Considerations and Inquiries
Before, during and after the Home Study, we had to decide what characteristics (for lack of a better word) of a child we would be willing to consider. Things like developmental delays, physical disabilities, severe medical needs, etc. Going into this as first-time parents, we did not feel we would be able to take a child who would need life-long care. We didn’t want to worry about who would care for our child when we would no longer be able to. We were okay with a child with a learning disability or ADHD.
Our one big “requirement” was that we wanted a child who likes animals. Nick and I have always had dogs. They are a huge part of our lives. We used to volunteer for a group where we would keep dogs overnight at our house as they were being transported from a kill shelter in the south to a non-kill shelter in the north. Of course, we included this in our Home Study, which would be sent to social workers of children we submitted inquiries on. (More on that later in this post).
Many of the social workers we had contact with liked the idea of pets for the children who could be around them. Pets can be therapeutic. My dogs always seem to sense if I don’t feel good, or just need some extra snuggles, so I can see why that would be great for a child, especially one who is dealing with trauma. However, we got multiple responses to inquiries indicating that a child we inquired after would do better in a home without animals. One social worker shared that a child attempted to drown a cat in a bathtub.
We learned several other details of children we didn’t expect: The one who put a coat in the oven to try to burn down the house so she would be able to get brand new belongings; the one who should be the only child in the house because he might try to harm other children; the one on heavy duty medications for mental illness. These are severely traumatized children. I can’t begin to imagine what they experienced that led to these types of behaviors.
That being said there are also a lot of children who are pretty well adjusted to their circumstances. Either way, I don’t think anyone really knows what a child who goes into foster care experienced before being removed from their home, except that child.
So what does “inquiry” mean in reference to adoption? It’s the step that follows the Home Study, at least when adopting an older child. It’s the process of reaching out to social workers to find out more information about a specific child (or children) you are interested in. This was without a doubt the most frustrating part of the process for us. It involves looking at photolistings and reading very short biographies online of children available for adoption. The bios of the children are very vague. It’s a lesson in learning to read between the lines. A child who is full of energy and loves being outdoors, might have ADHD. One who enjoys toys and games that seem young for the age of the child might have developmental delays. That information doesn’t get shared up front.
Once an inquiry is submitted, it goes to the child’s social worker along with a copy of your Home Study. It is then up to the social worker to decide if they want to learn more about you with a phone call. Most of the time, the responses felt disheartening. It could be that the desire was to keep the child in the state they already resided in. Perhaps the child wouldn’t do well with pets. We were once even told that a child could not be left unattended on a separate floor of our house at any time, and could we accommodate that? Sometimes they were already working with a family interested in the child. The worst of all though was the number of times we never even received a response.
Throughout the fall of 2017 we did progress to the next step of this phase a couple of times. It involved a three-way phone call between us, our social worker from Adoptions From the Heart and the child’s social worker. This is where we got more detailed information about a child. Likes and dislikes, behaviors, medical conditions if any. We usually also found out the circumstances that led to the child going into foster care. This was the time where we usually ended up being the ones to say we didn’t think we’d be a good match for a child.
This was where we really felt frustrated. At times it felt like it was never going to happen for us. We did our best to keep a positive attitude and we reminded ourselves that when it was meant to be, we would find our child.
By the middle of March 2018, we were seven months in. St.Patrick’s Day fell on a Saturday that year. Nick and I were waiting for my sister and brother-in-law to head out together for the evening. While waiting, I submitted a few inquiries, then didn’t give it much thought. At this point we had made over 100 inquiries.
Early the following week, I received an email from a social worker. She was interested in speaking with us and our social worker. We scheduled a call for some time later that week or the following week. From the moment the call started, everything felt different. She sounded excited to be speaking with us. She told us that she had received multiple inquiries on this sibling pair (Yep, two! But that’s a future post), but she had wanted to speak with us first. What caught her attention in our Home Study was that I am the outspoken one, while Nick is very laid back. The children had originally come from a very male dominant household and she felt both children would benefit being with a a couple like us.
The call went so well that before it ended, we were invited to the children’s home state to meet with the social worker in person, along with the children’s foster mother and other advocates who were involved with them.
Check back for my next Family post to find out what happened on our first trip.
